I went back and forth on whether or not I would or should write this post. I am not sure why, maybe because it is so personal or because deep down I feel I should feel blessed and happy with what I have. Let me explain a little.....
Recently I have been thinking a lot about babies. It started at a clothing swap I went to with my friend Jamie. After everyone had picked up whatever clothes they needed for their little ones we were all looking at what was left. Jamie kept picking up all the little girl baby clothes and telling me I needed to have another baby, a girl this time. I was kinda like "yea, right...not gonna happen". Then I saw the fuzzy pink polar bear (my nickname for Dan is bear) feety jammies and it occurred to me, I did want that baby girl. (yes, I brought the jammies home with me)
I had always said I wanted boys. That they were easier and the fact that I am not a "girly girl" would leave me with nothing to offer a girl, but the truth is that I don't believe that. I also feel like somehow I am missing out on that special mother/daughter relationship. Yes, my Mom and I had some rough years but in the end we were the best of friends and I admired her and she was not a "girly girl" and boy or girl I just felt like we were meant to have just one more little one. I had learned so much in life and and from raising my other guys that I had a lot to offer. So, I thought, maybe we should try it. Dan is always saying how much he misses having babies around and that we needed more, but when I mentioned it in serious terms he said, of all things, No. The reason for the no is my reason for the post.
He said no because we can't afford the cost of more family members. Sadly, he is right. We live on one income, his. I started my stay at home mom life when Donovan was born @ 25 weeks and came home with an oxygen tank, 5 medicines and 5 doctors he had to visit. I realized then that there was nothing better than being the one there to raise your kids everyday and ,although we have had to be frugal, we could live on one income. I thought I would go back to work when Donovan started full days of school but then I found out I was pregnant with Carter,SURPRISE!
So, still we live on one income and although Dan works extremely hard the pay isn't great and living in Michigan we aren't likely to find better. We live frugally paycheck to paycheck, have not a penny in savings and very ,very little in retirement. Even though I would breastfeed there is just no money for cribs (Carter uses his as his toddler bed now), strollers, car seats, diapers, clothes, Dr. visits etc..
In most ways I can accept this. I made the decision to stay home with my kids and not get a job. I have wonderful kids and have had a wonderful time with them. Everyone is healthy and happy and I know I am so very very lucky and so are they for having a dedicated full time parent. In today's economy that isn't always an option. Even so, I just think about that little baby that will never be, we'll never get to laugh at the funny things they do ,never get to marvel over how beautiful they are or how fast they learn, never get to wholeheartedly love them to pieces....and all because of money. I can't help but be heartbroken over that ,but I am accepting it. I wont spend hardly any time wallowing in self pity. I will look at my sweet boys, be grateful for all that I have and enjoy my family completely. I think I will also post this for all the other money challenged individuals so they know they are not alone. We can collectively strike a blow against money by continuing to be wildly happy without hardly any of it :)