Sunday, May 9, 2010

Mother's Day

Whew, O.K here this goes... My Mom passed away a few years ago from a sudden stroke and at the same time I found out I was pregnant with Carter , my ex ran into financial problems and couldn't pay child support, I lost my health insurance while pregnant and so on and so on. What I am trying to say was it was a very rollercoaster kind of time. With all those distractions I don't think I ever really got to mourn or process what happened so I am going to take this moment to organize and express some thoughts and tell you guys a bit about my Mom

My Mom's name was Carol. We had a rocky relationship to say the least. I didn't appreciate how much she did and she didn't appreciate my uniqueness. She wanted me to be thin, perky, impeccably dressed and on the road to college. I wanted to find what made my heart soar and make me feel complete. I rebelled and figured out how to get around her. She yelled and picked up all the pieces when my plans tanked. We continued on this path for 10 long, painful years. I crushed most if not all of her dreams for me. She never got to see me graduate high school, let alone college. She watched me marry (and divorce) the wrong guy. She watched me put on weight. She watched me suffer. Although she never turned her back on me she did stop trying to tell me what to do and instead just listened and most importantly started talking to me, not at me. Now I don't know if my Mom ever really understood where I was trying to take my life or not but we certainly started to have some good times.She really became my best friend, who woulda thunk it. I liked going scrapbooking with my Mom and our pow wow cleaning days. I liked how we shared that same dark sense of humor. I liked making her laugh till she almost peed her pants. I liked how she told me things about herself that she didn't even tell her friends. I liked how sometimes she would completely surprise me and do something so kind and thoughtful it could bring a tear to your eye.
I am sad to say I never really appreciated all of her wisdom, time and energy until I really was doing it all on my own and she wasn't there with me anymore, but I realize that a lot of good still comes from her even though she is gone. I think I try a lot harder to reach all of my goals and do my best because she deserves that. I may not be all of the things she envisioned I would be but if I am all the things I hoped I would be I think she will be proud and happy all the same.
It wasn't just me either. She was a huge part of many people's lives. We really depended on her for so much. If you needed food ,money ,clothes ,a room painted ,a push, a shoulder,a fundraiser,a holiday planned organized and executed, anything at all she would give it or do it. Yea, she was controlling,opinionated and sometimes hot-tempered but the woman got things done and it was always for someone else's benefit never for her own. She rarely thought about herself. Toward the end of her life she went on a trip to Hawaii with her best friend Nancy. Mom was retired and living on a fixed income and knew eventually she may have to get another small job to make up the money but she went anyway because she said "you never know what could happen tomorrow". I am forever grateful to Nancy for throwing caution and money to the wind and agreeing to go with her. It was one of only a few things she ever did just for herself and she was right. You never do know what could happen tomorrow.
I love you Mom

1 comment:

  1. Beautifully written I am sitting here alone in my room crying! I love you and I loved your Mom and think of her all the time. She was amazing and so are you! She was the Best Best Friend to my Mom and as you said always looked out for her when things were not so great for us. I have so many memories of all of trips, scrapbooking, holidays and just regular get togethers with all of us. I especially remember when my Grandma died and your Mom had me stay with all of you at a moments notice and was really there for me through that devastating time. She took us to see Harry and the Hendersons :)
    That trip to Hawaii was the best thing they ever did together! I am also glad my Mom just said "what the heck!" and enjoyed the ride :)