I have been thinking about life's little detours. You know, the reality that happens while your making all your lofty plans. Some of my friends and I have had some big shake-ups and disappointments lately .What bothered me more than the actual events or nonevents was my reaction. Whether it was my junk or junk happening to someone close to me, I acted like a twerp. I may have possibly pondered why not so nice people are having such awesome luck while some of us that try really hard to be better people are suffering disappointment. I may have also gone off on a rant about how selfish and uncharitable people can be. I may have felt a
little lot of jealousy and a bit sorry for myself. There was cursing….a lot of cursing. I may have used the these words together “that b!tch owes him” and made up this word “fake-assness” . I know, I am not proud of any of this and it is not who I aim to be. These are the times that what you do matters, when things aren’t going your way. It is easy to be Pollyanna when everything is coming up roses. When the crap hits the fan is when you find out how much you have truly evolved and I am afraid I get a big fat steaming pile of FAIL!
I know my particular lane of disappointmentville is partly my own freaking fault, so it is weird that I am ranting all over town and coveting my neighbor when I didn’t put the work in to get what I want. I knew I needed to do x,y and z to accomplish my goal and I didn’t pull it off. If I had put in the effort and still been disappointed I would at least had the right to feel a teeny bit sorry for lil ole me. I think a lot of us feel like we deserve a whole lot for little or no work. Like we can continue on with our bad behavior, yet expect different results. We think achieving things in life shouldn’t be so hard.
While I am not ready to get into the nitty gritty of my disappointment, I will say it had to do with my Achilles heal- weight-loss/exercising. For some strange reason this, the ability to be healthier, completely eludes me. I honestly can’t make it through one SINGLE day of dieting. It is humiliating, deflating and maddening. It also leads to a lot of self torture. So, yes, it’s sad that dieting is so hard for me. It is sad that I feel less than, that I am tortured by it, blah, blah,blah. Here , for me, is the truth of it. IT IS ATTAINABLE AND WORTH IT. I can diet. I have the tools. I have the knowledge. I am physically able. I can’t do it the way I want to. I can’t buy the more expensive, organic, fancy foods and diet aids. I can’t afford the gym membership and childcare cost, I can’t buy a treadmill or exercise bike. I can’t do anything to make it easier or more exciting. I CAN stop eating so much, cook all my meals from whole foods, stop eating fast food, ride my bike, go for walks, use exercise videos I check out free from the library. So, in closing, I have some tough love for myself. Stop whining/moping/finger pointing/deflecting, put on my big girl panties and kick my big ass into gear!