Tuesday, August 24, 2010

The Blues

I have had a long, long struggle with depression. When I was in my teens I had to be hospitalized for awhile from it. It had a good hold on me until after Dan and I settled in together. After spending time some time with him and realizing how safe I was the depression all but disappeared from my life. Although I still had struggles motivating myself to do unpleasant things I felt like this was just part of being human. Lately though, something has changed. I am not sure if it is the sadness I am feeling at trying to accept the fact that Carter will be the last baby I have, my impending birthday or a real honest to goodness resurgence of my past battles. Whatever it is it sucks! I am finding it hard to get out of bed, to do the dishes,to play with the kids, to clean the house or to even focus a thought. I am eating horribly, harassing Dan about having more kids, getting disproportionately mad about my kids "Did you have dinosaurs as pets" jokes and really just trying to hide away from my family when I can. A lot of the time I just feel an empty numbness. It would be nice to have a good therapeutic cry, but I just can't do it ...too numb. I guess the worst part of all is I never thought I would be back here again and my question is when do I get to go home again? I have such a good life and such a wonderful family I have no reason to be blue. I feel so selfish and ungrateful. Why would someone with so much be so whiny and unappreciative? I am hoping that by writing this and sharing it I will be shamed into snapping out of it or at least get some perspective and shorten my trip here in "black hole of darkness sucking away all of your joy, life and breath" land (yea, I know, the name needs work).

2 comments:

  1. As your longest running BFF, I hearby promise you that I will be a better and more present friend! I will work night and day to pull you oyr for the the "black hole of darkness" that is sucking away all of your joy, life, and breath! I love you tons and you "can't want to feel sad (in the words of the Bug)anymore!
    Just remember all our funny crap...like when Timmy through the napkin, or today when you didn't answer your phone call from Trent!
    You are a Super Mom and Wifey and BFF!! I need you and you are no longer allowed to disappear!
    HAPPY BIRTHDAY BEAUTIFUL!! XO Jamikins
    P.S. I am the only one allowed to cry during our birthday time... :) <3

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  2. LOL @ "can't want to feel sad" and congorats it worked! It turned out all I needed was time to laugh (and alot of manual labor) with a great group of ladies!That awesome Olga's wrap didn't hurt either! Thanks Jamie :).

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