Tuesday, August 24, 2010
I have had a long, long struggle with depression. When I was in my teens I had to be hospitalized for awhile from it. It had a good hold on me until after Dan and I settled in together. After spending time some time with him and realizing how safe I was the depression all but disappeared from my life. Although I still had struggles motivating myself to do unpleasant things I felt like this was just part of being human. Lately though, something has changed. I am not sure if it is the sadness I am feeling at trying to accept the fact that Carter will be the last baby I have, my impending birthday or a real honest to goodness resurgence of my past battles. Whatever it is it sucks! I am finding it hard to get out of bed, to do the dishes,to play with the kids, to clean the house or to even focus a thought. I am eating horribly, harassing Dan about having more kids, getting disproportionately mad about my kids "Did you have dinosaurs as pets" jokes and really just trying to hide away from my family when I can. A lot of the time I just feel an empty numbness. It would be nice to have a good therapeutic cry, but I just can't do it ...too numb. I guess the worst part of all is I never thought I would be back here again and my question is when do I get to go home again? I have such a good life and such a wonderful family I have no reason to be blue. I feel so selfish and ungrateful. Why would someone with so much be so whiny and unappreciative? I am hoping that by writing this and sharing it I will be shamed into snapping out of it or at least get some perspective and shorten my trip here in "black hole of darkness sucking away all of your joy, life and breath" land (yea, I know, the name needs work).